Hebrews 12:11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Being a person who wholeheartedly appreciates compassion, parenting my children into their young adult years has been fraught with some very painful moments. At multiple points along this journey, it has been with great difficulty that we’ve had to determine when discipline and adding boundaries are appropriate, and when it’s important to let go and allow them to learn a lesson without interference. Being in almost constant prayer for wisdom is a daily experience.
Y’all. Raising teens is NOT for the faint of heart.
As I was considering this recently, I realized how much less often I’ve posted blogs and pictures than I used to, and it’s not because there aren’t experiences worth capturing. It’s that our seasons are changing. Preschool is very Pinteresty, with all the colors and the fun letter games. Elementary literature and art projects and messy science experiments make for some fabulous photo ops, and I’ve been intent on gathering those moments to try to capture the beauty of our homeschooling journey. These memories have been a balm to my soul. I look back often on them with such fondness as we exchange the bulk of our bright, colorful, fun curriculum for more serious-looking, thick hardbound books and Google Drive folders and graphing calculators. There’s nothing very cute or Insta-worthy about that. Though laughter still permeates a lot of our discussions, there is a lot of seriousness too. There are no songs or flash cards for writing a 12-paragraph essay. You have to get to the point where you just dig in. Growing into the richness of homeschooling high school is a bit like developing a taste for exotic foods after subsisting on a basic palate for many years. The raw ingredients might have been there all along, but it gets adventurous! Nourishment is nourishment, after all, but how can we compare pâté to macaroni and cheese?
Seeing God’s faithfulness interspersed through all the simple and light-hearted moments of the early years with my littles gathered around me is so evident, but there is a serenity to this new place that I am learning to appreciate. We’ve embraced the richness of this new season with gusto and perhaps have been a bit naïve about just how much goes into making a person ready for the “real” world. I guess you don’t really know until you know. The process didn’t start yesterday, but there is a lot that seems to get pressed into these very short years. We’ve got body odor and hormones instead of Baby Einstein Mozart and groceries being inhaled as soon as they enter the house instead of nap time. But the pattern of obedience is little changed. It’s just happening in a whirlwind.
Consistency was key with little ones. I remember so well the seemingly eternal days of bed rest and morning sickness during pregnancy, and the days of nursing a little one who was not sleeping through the night yet. Being exhausted and sick didn’t at all lessen the need for Mama to be ON with all the other young children in the house. It took just about everything in me to get up and provide instruction, discipline, snacks, homeschooling, hugs, and whatever else was needed every time the children started falling apart. Every. Single. Time. Often in intervals of 90 seconds until it felt like whole days dragged by and I was constantly instructing. That has not really changed. How wise were the older mothers who told me that being consistent would pay off later. They were so right! When the children knew that things weren’t going to slide, that boundaries were going to remain in place regardless of how I felt any given day, they began to settle into knowing they were safe and they thrived in that environment. It doesn’t mean that schedules and expectations never needed to be adjusted, or that children don’t need compassion and understanding with where they are in their development. God knows I fell flat on my face in this principle often. But our basic foundation has remained pretty steady. I learned quickly that everything I was allowing or not allowing was setting a precedent, and that would either bring peace or chaos every single time a boundary test occurred. “Just this once.” Nope. Not unless you are okay with whatever it is becoming a pattern, which will highlight your need to control things that don’t need to be controlled or reveal itself to be a truly needed perimeter that should be enforced every time. Either way, children are programmed to immediately see right through any excuses. Day in and day out, determining what the needs and expectations of the family unit are really does give way to a season where things run more smoothly. The hard work of faithfully correcting course or behavior every single time it is needed really does give way to a season where the children generally and pretty peacefully follow along the guidelines.
Flexibility is key with older ones. Now that we have three teens plus two almost-teens in the home, a lot of boundaries have been relaxed, and some have disappeared completely. But I can still see the outline of boundary habits in them in how they approach life and decisions. It’s in their DNA, so to speak. They are learning to walk in self-governance, without me having to tell them exactly what to do every time they face a difficulty. When a great life choice is made, they get to reap the reward of that and it is such a confidence-builder. Likewise, when they choose poorly or think they know better in an area and end up having to deal with a natural consequence, the pain of the lesson seems to sink in deeper than if I had controlled the outcome in order to totally shield them from difficulty. If I ever thought this would be easier than enforcing basic household rules for 8 year olds, I was fooling myself.
Late fees. A parking ticket. A poor grade on a college paper. Losing a job for showing up late one too many times. Losing a friend for not treating her with respect. All of these situations I experienced as a young adult. The cost was high, much higher than a time-out for the six year old who angrily knocked over her sister’s Lego tower. But the teen years are for exactly these kind of lessons. It’s the time where you have to practice self-control because no one is around to force you to turn off Instagram after scrolling for two hours, to abide by the school zone speeds whether you are almost late for class or not, to practice kindness with a sibling whose heart has turned against you because of how you’ve treated them, to pay to replace someone else’s property even though you damaged it accidentally. Again, NOT for the faint of heart. In fact, it is only in holding onto God’s grace with white knuckles that my faint heart has survived thus far. As parents in believing homes, we desperately desire that our children would make wise choices. The raw material has already been planted in there. But even for young people who have made Yeshua their Savior, the prospect of freedom can be a dizzying, tantalizing one. And their character and maturity, not to mention their brains, are still not fully-developed. So it takes recalibrating the boundaries that are still needed, giving advice and help as needed to mop up the expensive messes, and being available for late night discussion and prayer when sin has taken a foothold that makes this season one of great richness and soberness.
It’s not yet the time to take away all boundaries. We’ve had a couple of significant experiences recently that have proven this to be true. Sometimes, I look at my teenagers and can still see little children in their eyes. With all their independence and knowing all they do, they still need their parents. There are times when they seem to be desperately thrashing about for a lifeline to help them get grounded again, and it’s in these moments that I know I’m called to dive in and offer that to them, to push their strong-willed heads up above the water and help them breathe and float for a minute while they regain their bearings and try again. We had to construct a new boundary with some kids who had made some sinful choices. I looked into their tearful faces as we told them what the natural consequence for said choices was going to be, and I was amazed at what I saw. Relief. I will never forget that look as long as I live. They had been flailing a bit, unable and somewhat unaccustomed to having self-control and self-awareness, at least in this particular situation. They didn’t really know what to do, nor had they come to us, so they just went along with their choices and needed an external force to stop it. When we stepped in with instruction and a “fence,” they were both nodding with fully repentant acceptance, tearful with relief that Mom and Dad were going to help them not do this again because we were going to completely remove the option. One day they will have freedom in this area again, and I would guess they are not going to make the same mistake. If they do, we will rinse and repeat as long as is needed. That is what is so distinctive in the teen years: the ebb and flow of harkening back to bygone days of clear-cut boundaries, and then pulling back on those to practice freedom again. It’s watching them learn self-control for themselves then getting reminders, sometimes harsh ones, when they need to be controlled in some area again. As hard as the moment was, it almost immediately brought healing to the relationship between parent and child. There was trust again.
Another aspect of flexibility is being able to take the time to determine what guidance is needed, to pray, and the kids know that we might not give them immediate answers or consequences. This also gives me a chance to let any fleshly anger recede and allow the peace of the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom to offer firm, loving, sanctified direction to the children. I truly believe this is pivotal in keeping those tight heart bonds with young people. There are many opportunities to take things personally in these growing years. It’s tempting to allow frustration and resentment rise to the surface and spill over onto all the kids. But Hebrews 12:11 is for me too. The peaceful fruit of righteousness – oh, what a delightful season to experience. God doesn’t train us with resentment and anger, despite what feels painful in the moment. He is patient and kind, knowing that the watershed moments He brings into our lives are going to yield a fruitful harvest – a resting and trustful relationship with Him whereby we know His training is for our good. Oh, to remember this as a mother in my daily ministry to my children.
If I had to sum up the important things to recall as we find ourselves fully in teen mode, I would put it this way.
Don’t make sin out to be less than what it is – defiance of God’s instruction and ways.
Don’t make mistakes out to be more than what they are – an important part of growing up, frustrating at times but completely necessary.
Get to know the difference between childishness (immaturity) and rebellion (lawlessness).
Trust God to bring conviction to your children as your voice begins to quiet and the Holy Spirit’s voice becomes the louder one in their heart’s ears. It’s supposed to be this way.
Hebron Heights Academy 