It has been one year since we experienced an extremely painful departure of fellowship with friends that had become as precious to us as our own flesh and blood family. We did not want to part ways with these dear ones because we did not think division was necessary. But we were asked to leave because of some deeply held convictions we have that were different from the other families in the church group. We did take some time to reconsider and pray through what we believed, for no one is above error and we did not want to tear apart something beautiful because of hard-heartedness. But through a season of fasting and seeking God’s face, we realized we were only more convicted to follow this narrow path. If asked to leave, we would have to go. So we were, and we did.
I am able to admit now that I entered a season of deep depression after this separation. We didn’t think the issue at hand should have separated our families, so it felt like such a purposeless pain. We’ve always thought it is a wonderful thing to have differing convictions and understanding in a spiritual group, as long as Yeshua and His salvation is central. Non-salvific opinions need not cloud the main point, and I love to be sharpened and challenged by others. I guess it was naïve to think that everyone feels this way. After being cut off from what had become a lifeline, I struggled to see the point in fellowship. I had opened my heart completely, not holding back, because I believed it was important to allow God to build some lasting relationships. A year has passed and I’ve gone through all the anger, loneliness, and sadness multiple times. I cannot say honestly that I’m rejoicing in this end right now, except in knowing that our Father knows all and He will guide us. Though it still aches a great deal, I trust His healing balm and His gentleness with my heart.
For anyone who has been through a church split, you know how devastating it can be. I hate that there can be such awful division in the Body, especially when it affects our little ones, who must be dragged apart and they rarely fully understand why. It is good to experience a suffering like this in as much as it will prayerfully guard us from causing this kind of pain to someone else. At least, that is my heart’s cry as I move forward.
As is often the case, the only way I was able to process my deep pain was to express it in the form of poetry. Perhaps other mamas and wives I’ve known along the way, others who have been through a difficult separation, who have followed conviction because of the guiding of the Holy Spirit, or who have walked this path not by their own choice, for others who have respectfully submitted to their husband’s leadership away from a place that provided comfort because he is listening to the Father’s direction may glean something sweet from these words. Take delight in our Father, who is the ultimate Reconciler.
The Garden of God’s Planting
I wanted to do the will of God
So I went out into the field with my baskets of seed
I buried my toes into the dirt
Full heart in the embrace of purpose
Hope still innocent, yet trusting
So when I saw you there
I set down my baskets, held my arms wide open
Could it be the Master Gardener has put us in the same part of His field
to see what we shall plant together?
We cultivated our seeds, merrily
Dug our fingers and hearts deep, happy and light in the knowledge
He will water and bring fruit
Here we spread out our skirts on the soil, invite our children to come and listen
Together, we will sing our mother songs
We wait for the tiny green buds of friendship to poke through toward the sun
And oh, how they grew! Nourishing us and our babies alike
The sweetness of fellowship, a lifelong ache for the wanting
Could it be I have found my Diana Barry? At long last
I won’t hold too tightly, lest these early days overwhelm the roots of a lifelong harvest
We gather about our families, knowing without asking,
from the same Father how to feed and grow them
Soak in His delight
I am so happy here in this new place in His field
Laughter rings out, and prayers fall easily from lips with praise
The long days hold only fullness when our eyes get sleepy,
the conversations go far past bedtime
Nothing could ruin what we have planted
Though we are from very different parts of His garden,
with different tools and different methods
Our mother songs will harmonize
Because we love each other
We share most of the things that are the same
He will prune the sharp thorns and cut back what is of the flesh, will He not?
He is the Master Gardener, so we trust Him, you and I
I have already entwined my arms with yours, have held your hand fast
I have been content to sit back and watch all this grow – us and our children –
to let the Father take His time
There is still so much I need from you
There is still so much you need from me
But fear is the only thing stronger than love
And I am asked to take my seeds and go, cut the roots of these precious new plants,
lest they see the light of another day
It is the winter of our love, but I thought it was the spring
Our babies must unclasp their hands, their stumbling steps toward
iron-sharpened bonds must cease
For there is an enemy of this field
He says that I do not belong in His field at all,
that all I carry with me must be thrown away,
even as I should be destroyed by the Gardener
He says that I am a tare, and I and my little ones must depart
Here is where we must be severed, and I must go to another place in the field
There I will let the Master Gardener continue His work of pruning
His hands are gentle, but they don’t stop the agony of “why”
What a waste
Perhaps not in the eyes of the Master Gardener,
for He sees Eden when I see barrenness
I will sing my mother song again, though it be alone into the stretching dirt before me
You and I might not have chosen this path of parting
But we learned long ago the sacredness of submission
Our own Apprentice Gardeners have determined uprooting for us,
and we follow their conviction
We love them, so we obey, as unto our Master Gardener
There can be no room in our hearts for bitterness
Sorrow must nourish the soil of this garden, not poison it
We must show our children how to grieve well,
not suppressing the healing from the pain
So that it may have full effect, to what purpose we do not yet know
Though heartbroken, we have a promise from our Master Gardener
Weeping must remain for now, but joy will be found in our shared morning
under the same Grace
Though we go separate ways, I know my prayers rise toward a shared heaven
I will bury my sweet memories in the graveyard of life’s disappointments,
that they may nurture the roots of what is to come
Remind myself it is not our Father who disappoints,
only we who see through a glass darkly
One day all will be clear
I have cried to Him how painful to start over!
These aging bones bear an aging heart,
one that does not dwell easy in the youthful hope it once did
To be alone is not to be truly alone, He says
We are not strangers to the cost to be paid
This will not be the last time we have not counted conviction too dear
For all in our hearts must still follow what we know to be true
As your lovely face fades into the distance,
I hold only the memory of your music to my heart
I let my anger fly away on the wings of my tears, for I do not want its ugliness to bloom
And I forgive
Hebron Heights Academy 