I have a confession to make. For much of my life, I have been someone who valued externals. Sometimes this has been at the expense of finding a depth of inward beauty that does not conform outwardly to a guideline I thought was necessary. As a mother who must show the way to her daughters, the time has come for me to face my own standards head-on, replacing any false obedience with genuine obedience. The past few years have found me in a serious battle against all conformity of mine that is not truly driven by a love of God and His ways. I have had the conviction to hold nothing as “off limits” in this heart-excavation, digging deeper and deeper for all that motivates, sustains, and brings lasting fruit in my life. I am surprised at just how many attitudes I’ve held in my life that are short-sighted and stuffy compared to the weighty glory of the great I AM, of Whom I am to be an Image-Bearer in my sojourn on earth. Even if I were only to address my own meditation upon and perspective of God, I have fallen so short. This says nothing of how I have seen and loved others, sometimes completely missing someone’s need or pain because I was so focused on the outside of them.
I am renewing the way I read Scripture, realizing that if I pull back the layers on all the “shoulds,” “coulds,” and “woulds” I’ve tried to uphold (many of which are not even rooted in Scripture), I will find that my expectations-for myself and others-often don’t line up with God’s. How humbling it has been to slowly begin to realize that all the “good” I’ve been is SO far off the mark of God’s intentions for my relationship with Him. He knows when my lips speak words while my heart is far from Him. He knows when I’m “fakin’ it ’til I make it” (is that even possible?) He knows when what I think is obeying His Word is really just rote action with a heart that is distracted and bored with Him. I have been so busy doing stuff that I haven’t ever learned how to be. I’ve been laughingly calling this season I’m in an identity crisis because that is what it feels like. I have this whole lifetime of obedience. I’ve walked in and loved God’s ancients paths for almost 20 years. I’ve loved reading God’s Word for over 30 years. Yet, I’m seeing how much my own efforts have been seeded in a field where the wellspring of Life has been no more than a dribble on many days. I’m having a crisis of MY identity. It’s as though Yeshua is looking at me and telling me He is no longer satisfied with just my obedience, my own strength performing works that I think He desires. He wants me to carry HIS identity. Only then is nothing wasted. Only then will I find that it’s HIM pouring His Spirit out on all those seedlings that are tiny, dry and weak and bringing them forth into a hundredfold harvest. This newfound honesty with my heart toward Him has been refreshing because I know that what I am bearing is true.
What does all this ruminating have to do with blue hair? It is by no coincidence that I am taking a serious look at my motivations just at the time I have teenagers emerging in my household. God really does have a sense of humor, though I am often crying and not laughing at the sheer weight of launching these children into a life where they will have to know their utter dependence on Him or they will not make it. The longer I am a mother, the more I realize I don’t know. All I can do is, literally, throw myself on His mercy and pray that His guidance will be clear to my children in spite of those times when they see more of me and not enough of Him. I have to let go of more and more control. The reality is that I never had any at all, a lesson I should have learned when my first baby refused to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time for the first year of her life. Control is a complete illusion, one that only emphasizes my lack of trust and surrender.
The great thing about tweens and teens-and I say this with sincerity-is how much they want to be different than me. They have always been different, obviously, and I’ve always appreciated the beautiful bouquet of personalities around my dinner table. But there is a new yearning I’ve seen in my oldest two daughters particularly lately. They ache to be individuals, to figure out who they are, what they like, how they want to be, what style they will adopt for themselves, what kind of friends they will be, how they will worship, how they will spend their time – this list is endless. They have so much potential. Their hearts are full to bursting with optimism some days and discouragement and drama on others. Now is the time when the foundation-house we’ve built for the children will be tested to its limits, and it will only continue for the coming years. I can almost hear the groaning of the joists and beams. And guess what? It is supposed to be like this. They are supposed to push back in an environment that provides love and godly counsel, before they are out in the world where truly good friends with excellent advice are hard to find. If I weren’t already having my own wrestling time with God, I would be very threatened by this jostling. If God weren’t already showing me just how much I don’t have it all together for smooth sailing through the teen years, I would be fearful for children who are not at all afraid to ask hard questions. I wish I had had the opportunity to grapple with the “why” of so many things before now. All I can do is trust Him and smile wryly to myself in the understanding that He knows just when to bring this kind of thing to the surface. Already, God is helping me see through the surly looks or bad attitudes to what is really going on in the girls’ hearts. It’s not always rebellion, which is something I’m conditioned to see when I’m on a quest for the ever-elusive control that feels so good. No, there is a lot more going on under the surface. There are countless moments that I miss when I’m focusing on the outward things like tone of voice and whether there was too much stomping involved as the chores were completed. Of course, there’s a time to deal with unrepentant bad behavior, and we do that when necessary. However, I’m finding that the more I’m connected to the girls’ hearts, the more they are able to share what’s really going on, and the more tender they are toward me and their siblings. I have the opportunity to share God’s heart toward them with them. I have to trust the foundation we’ve laid with life-schooling because it has been based on God’s Word. I can trust it because He is the One Who has laid Himself directly into the fabric of our household and when it’s all said and done, it’s His promises on the line.
I am far from being established in all this. It’s a new lesson for me, let alone for the kids. So when Jaelah came and asked me if she could dye her hair blue, I had to take a step back and consider what blue hair says about a person. The answer is, not much. Because I know we’re keeping heart connections, and the fact that her wanting colored hair is a style-preference and not a sign of rebellion, I went out with her and we bought the hair dye together. I put on my rubber gloves and worked that blue gel into her beautiful brown hair. We had a whole afternoon together and it was awesome. I laughed inwardly as I thought about what I would have thought about blue hair five or ten years ago. I would have tried to control it, said “absolutely not.” I would have been thinking about how having a daughter with blue hair makes me look bad because it means she is a rebellious teenager and is kicking against all that I’ve held dear for her. What freedom there can be when I look honestly at my daughter and appreciate her establishing herself in contradistinction to me instead of what others might think or say about her particular style. It takes humility to look at her as she blooms into womanhood and see that she has a lot from the Lord that she can teach me if only I will listen.
Trying to keep control would mean that I couldn’t take every situation with my kids on a case by case basis, listening to the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit as He teaches me in the moment the words and actions I need. It’s way scarier for me, an ex-control-freak, to trust Him, but I have to admit that my heart is so much lighter.
Hebron Heights Academy 